Momma Hen

Reflections – A Walk Through the Last Six Years

July 16th, 2012 by Jen Hen under The Busy Life. 3 Comments.

Five years ago… life was pretty rough. I was battling a lot of things figurative and literally. Things were financially strapped to the point that I had every single paycheck carefully budgeted to the penny and not a red cent was able to go into savings. I was often having to prioritize and pick which bill to simply ignore until I could get to it. Christmas 2006 meant I had $20 for X-man’s Christmas present, and I couldn’t really afford to spend that. I didn’t have a reliable vehicle… it was a lemon of a car that would break no sooner than I was able to fix it thanks to a few loans from family members. I had a job that was just a “job”. College was something I was desperate to get back to but didn’t see a way to get there… or see how I’d manage if I did. I was living at home with my dad as just another boomerang kid but also as a single mother of one with another on the way. There were a lot of things I was dealing with emotionally that were distracting me and wearing me down. I felt like I was on the verge of a mental breakdown of sorts. Truth is… I really was. I had some really ugly moments in those days. I wouldn’t even look at my own reflection in the mirror. Sure, I looked long enough to brush my hair or brush my teeth and maybe I’d put some make up on, but I didn’t want to LOOK at myself. I didn’t like the person looking back at me… I felt like an empty shell of the person I once thought I’d become. I really… hated myself. I had failed myself in almost every single aspect. I flunked a marriage. I flunked out of my University. I flunked (walked out on) a few great jobs. I flunked at getting back on my feet. I flunked at relationships with family and friends. I was just a big giant flunky.

I have a lot of stuff that could fill the time between then and now, but I’m going to cut straight to the present.

I have the most amazing husband. He helped me find my spine to fight off a lot of things. He has made sacrifices he didn’t have to make, to provide the life X-man, Lil’ C and I have… when he didn’t have a single obligation to do so for the three of us. He has stood by me when so many others would and did walk away. He has comforted me and protected me when others would and did tear me down. He has shown me a lot of grace, and he’s not a grace giver in general… he has shown me a lot of love, and he’s not one of those bleeding hearts… he has given me a lot of patience, and he’s not a real patient person in general… It is good to be loved so wholly by this man because I know better than to take a single gesture or effort for granted. We have a nice home, working vehicles, and loving children. Our bills are paid, our debts are dwindling, and we are able to save. We never have to question ourselves on which bill to pay because we don’t have to let anything go. He puts in countless hours at a salaried job, helps with things around the house when he’s off, and parents WITH me. He was my cheerleader when I decided to go back to college, my cheerleader when the mid-semester slumps hit, and my cheerleader when I changed majors (again).

I know they say that we are each responsible for our own happiness… that no one MAKES us happy… but I have to say my husband sure has brought a lot into my life. And I’m fairly certain that without his support, encouragement, and cheerleading things wouldn’t be where they are and where they are headed right now.