Fer-fer’s Friday
July 3rd, 2010 by Jen Hen under I'm Just Saying. No Comments.
Fer-fer: Proper Noun The term fer-fer once derived from the name Jennifer when her younger brother was a toddler. “Fer-fer, will you tie my shoe?”
Don’t ask why I decided to put the Fer-fer tag line. I’m not entirely certain myself. I guess I have my siblings on my mind. A lot of it boils down to watching the relationship between X-man and Lil’ C. Often they remind me of me and my brother and sister. Allow me to explain.
On more than one occasion (actually nearly once a day at the minimum) I’ll be in the living room or the kitchen and notice that the boys have gotten quiet. Shortly after Lil’ C will come in and ask me something like, “Can we go to the pool, Momma?” or “Can we have ice cream?” or “Can we watch a movie?” Since I know that Carter hasn’t quite grasped the concept of “we” I know precisely who came up with the idea of sending little brother in to do the asking. Nice move. Not a new one. haha. I think it must be previously programed into our system as an older sibling to send the little one to ask questions. I mentioned this observation to my brother when he was over one evening and he told me he didn’t remember me ever doing that. I refreshed his memory: “Ohhhhh. Yeah. I do kind of remember that now.” tee-hee. I’ve busted X-man on this a couple of times, all with a smile on my face. You know X, I used to send my little brother to ask if we could do things. Nice try but Momma remembers that play. He just smiles, laughs, then shrugs his shoulders as if to plead the fifth. It’s okay. I’ll allow them their right of passage. 
The boys exploring at Fort Donelson, Tennesee May 2010
The boys both went back to their father’s for part of their summer time visits this evening. Lil’ C was so cute when it came time to go. He protested. He was adamant that he did not want his shoes on and that he wanted to stay home. Then he came to me and said, “Brother come with me!” No honey. Brother can’t go with you tonight. He has to go to his dad’s house and see his other momma and her baby belly. “Oh” Then he went to get his Piglet doll, his teddy bear, and came out with a Precious Moments bunny that I bought when I was pregnant with X-man. “Brother gave me this to take too! These are my babies. Brother come with me?” No honey, brother can’t go with you. At this point he proceeded to throw all three babies onto the couch, climb up there himself and proclaim “I don’t wanna go! I want brother! I stay home!” *sigh* He has officially hit the tough age. The age where he understands that when he leaves he’s leaving people behind he’d prefer to have with him at all times. ESPECIALLY his big brother. Lil’ C adores his brother and I hope that never changes but I know there will probably come a period of time when they will hold animosity toward each other. For now, I record these moments of pure love in hopes that my boys will read it one day and remember what they can of the unconditional love they felt towards each other.
The battle ended with X and I having to walk out to the car with J and Lil’ C in a less than polite move of deception. “Get in brother. Get in the car. We go bye!” He screamed as they pulled away and X stayed behind at home with me. X: “Aww. I feel bad now.” It’s okay X. Your brother just loves you and is learning that sometimes he has to go places without you and then he misses you. He has a picture of you at his dad’s that he carries around when he misses you. And he does. J let’s him keep it on the fridge then Lil’ C can go look at it or get it anytime he wants.
I remember this stage with X, only it wasn’t a sibling he didn’t want to leave. It was me, his Momma. Because his father and grandparents lived 600 miles away in Michigan his trips away were usually scheduled for a month to two months at a time until he was school age. There were a couple of times his dad called me and told me to go ahead and come early because X was so distressed and constantly asking for me. I know it wasn’t that he was having a bad time, just that his security was me. As he got older he grew more capable of dealing with his trips and knew that he’d always return home and I’d always be waiting there with a hug and a smile on my face.
These days we all live in the same town and only a matter of minutes from each other. This is great for the kids. Even when they are with one parent or the other, they know that whoever they are missing is only a phone call and a quick drive away. They know we can all go to soccer games, doctor appointments, or school events at the same time. My boys are fortunate to have family that loves, adores, and supports them. Two sets of parents that look out for them and love them. I know it all sounds kind of cheesy when I go on these tangents, but I’m a firm believer in trying to look at the positive over everything else and I know without a doubt that my boys are loved not only by me, but the extended and “extra” family they have acquired. I am sincerely thankful that X-man has a second mom that cares about him and that I am able to talk to with ease about anything concerning his well being. I’m thankful that she and I can shoot each other a message and share any concerns for anything the other has noticed that the other may or may not have noticed, or simply to compare notes on something.
I honestly hope that anyone else out there who has children in a “fractured” family can find the neutral ground to turn it into a completely functional co-parenting structure. Without a doubt it all comes with its ups and downs. Without a doubt it can be trying at times, emotionally. But, without a doubt it is a positive example we are able to set for our children that water can be left under the bridge and life can move forward with time and healing.
I am in no way an expert on this subject, nor will I pretend to be. As I said, it of course comes with its ups and downs. But I’ve experienced the extremes of disagreement and battling. I can assure you that life is much more peaceful now, for me and the kids.
And I am thankful. Thankful for a husband that understands, respects, and supports all those “awkward” times we’ve gone through to find a comfort zone where the boys father’s can come over and talk, or I can sit on the phone for an hour with one of them if the need arises (and sometimes just because it helps keep the lines of communication open to maintain a friendship). He is gracious in his respect towards both when they are around and generous in his involvement and interest in the well being of the kids.
